Lorri Cardwell-Casey's blog

The Juggle

July 13th, 2010

Hey, all you moms and dads out there–if you’re trying to be a real writer, is it difficult to juggle everything for your kids AND your writing? Some writers are even juggling the extra responsibility of a “real” job, part-time or full-time.

How do you do it all? How, how, how?

You, um, don’t. After freelancing for 21 years and being a mom for 22 years, I’ve learned to stop thinking I’ll ever perfectly balance my parenting life–my real life–and my writing life, my career. I love my work, but I love my family more. The #1 reason I wanted to be a writer was because of my family, that I could raise my kids and work, doing something I always dreamed of doing, at the same time. In. Theory.

Along the way, I’ve learned a few simple things.

• You do the best you can. Don’t be like me, wasting years on trying to be perfect and always frustrated. I still like my house neat and organized and semi-clean, but I know what things matter most and their names are Mike, Lorri, MG, Malorri, Meredith, and Max. People matter. Fingerprints do not. Not that I don’t come through with my paper towels and Windex three times a day. The difference is that, these days, I just spend 10 seconds spiffing up, not 10 minutes.
• What’s today’s priority or priorities? Like most families, the calendar rules the roost at our house. Some days, the kids and driving them here and there take priority. Other days, I can commit to chunks of time in front of the computer. For me, that means I’m probably also answering the doorbell, the phone, the cell phone and jumping up and down to work on laundry and check on kids, too. (You would think that qualified as aerobics, but no, the pounds still find me.) It sometimes means I get up before everyone, when the house is quiet and my brain cells are perkier after my two mugs of coffee. In the old days, I’d get way behind on laundry and play catch-up. These days, I’ve finally learned to do a couple loads every day or every other day. I might work in my pajamas and take a break from work later, to get my shower, make our bed, and fix breakfast for whichever small Casey’s at the bar. But we’ve also taught those little Caseys how to do a lot of things for themselves. You’re not a bad parent for that. Think of it as empowering them for the future and making them more competent and therefore, more confident. My kids will verify that one of my common comebacks to a request is, “Do you have legs?” Translated:  “You can handle this yourself.” And guess what? Now that MG and Malorri are adults, they’re often complimented at work about their high levels of responsibility and strong work ethic. Who knew getting their own sippy cup would someday turn into a good thing?
• Work gets to be your priority sometimes, too. In the old days when I juggled a lot of magazine article assignments, I worked on whatever was a priority and closest to due date. I might do research for one piece, write the rough draft for another, and polish a final draft for another one. In actuality, being a work-at-home parent made me a better freelancer. I could do a little of this and a little of that, never over-focused on only one project (if that one project’s submitted and you’re waiting months for an editor’s response, that can drive you loco). Day-after-day of doing those little bits of this and that add up to a whole lot accomplished. It’s the same premise with parenting. Every day, you’re teaching your child something new, sometimes simply by example (like working hard at what you do) and in time, it all adds up to, hopefully, a well-adjusted young adult who’s capable of being on his own. You take it phase by phase, argument by argument, messy room by messy room.
• Sign up for less. Stress less. I admit that Meredith and Max don’t get to choose two or three time-consuming sports or activities. We spent years doing MG’s bowling and Malorri’s dance, basketball, and volleyball. We thought they’d bowl or play volleyball in college, but by then, they felt burnt out. This second time around with the younger two (the little pair, we call them), we’re far less apt to say yes to six weeks of soccer or joining swim team. Been there, been there. Done that, done that. We hope we’re making the right choice and that the younger ones end up as well-rounded. We don’t have much choice. We’re just too tired to run around all over kingdom come. And since my husband travels internationally as a consultant, many times, I’m a single parent–a single, very OLD parent, so that’s one more reason we often say no.

In the January, 1994 issue of “Freelance Writer’s Report”, I published the front-page article, titled, “Writing With Children”, 10 ways to write at home while taking care of your children. I re-read that and yes, I listed some good ideas, but I also think back to how young I was then and how different it was with only two children, not four. Back then, I could set up them with stuff to do and be able to focus over the noise. These days, in perimenopause land, that’s not so easy. I grew up in a loud household with four kids and I could study for tests with the TV on and my siblings all around me. I was able to do that for years with my own children. But my patience and my noise tolerance seem at lower levels now. I beg my husband to get them out of the house. I can’t jump up and down from the computer and be able to concentrate. So I’m in a transitional phase, re-learning how to do this.

Our oldest son graduated summa cum laude from college in May. Our oldest daughter married a year ago, and she and her husband Ray are both college seniors. I watch them juggle all their responsibilities and shrug off my awe. My daughter Malorri often says, “It’s fine.” This last year of college, she was a newlywed, carrying a heavy college load (and a 4.0), and working three jobs, one including being a jr. high youth leader. I repeat:  jr. high youth leader.

Watching them juggle so much, it reminds me how I used to be and inspires me to stick in there and keep up the juggle. I keep hearing that line in my head:  ”If you want something done, ask the busiest person you know to do it.” The truth is you have to keep living in order to have something worth writing about. You need true life experience to create meaningful fiction plots and characters. My entire writing life, I learned to look around and pay attention. Whatever was going on or we struggled with, I asked myself:  “Could I write about this?” And I did, over and over and over. In fact, my best-paying article, “No More Boring Chores” (Family Circle/9.14.99), came about as a result of me always requiring the kids to help around the house, but thinking up ways to lighten up things and make it fun, then embellishing with many other ideas.

Now, at 500+ magazine credits and with material published in four books, I know how very true Katherine Paterson’s wonderful quote is:  “As I look back on what I have written, I can see that the very persons who have taken away my time are those who have given me something to say.”

Keep up the juggle, sister-writer or brother-writer. The rocking chairs can wait! I have a first grader and a sixth grader–and a LONG way to go, living…

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